Dowry, To Be Or Not To Be?

According to the Wikipedia, dowry is a process whereby parental property is distributed to a daughter at her marriage rather than at the holder's death. But basically, that explanation largely differs from my tribe Kikuyu’s traditional dowry. The Wikipedia also contrasts dowry from bride price terming the latter as a payment by the groom or his family to the bride’s parents while direct dowry as the wealth transferred to the bride's family from the groom's family, “ostensibly for the bride”.

The last explanation perfectly fits an African Kikuyu traditional dowry which starts with the customarily marriage proposal from a man to a woman. This is also known as courting or more modern, dating.

According to Kikuyu customs, “marriage proceedings often begin with the man proposing to the woman. Upon her acceptance the man then calls for a meeting with his clan elders who largely consist of extended elderly family members. A delegation carrying small gifts is then sent to the woman's home to meet with her clan elders.

Deliberations on bride price actually begin on a later date and these are strictly conducted by the older men only. Upon completion of these negotiations, a wedding date is set, with the elders having provided an acceptable percentage of the full dowry. The rest of the dowry is expected later. No request is made for it, but the young man is expected to remember to finish his payment and failure to do so spells dishonour for that family.

The wedding day begins with a convoy from the groom’s family that heads to the girls home to collect her. However, the convoy is not immediately let into the girls homestead. Rather the bride's gate is locked and song and dance begins as a cover for negotiations. Various goods may be asked of the groom and he willingly obliges to the demands after which he is let into the compound.” That is also from the Wikipedia.

But a very important point to note is that customary proposal did not necessarily originate from love. A man and a woman did not have to go through dating before a man could propose. Sometimes they did not even need to meet, let alone fall in love, and agree to a conjugal relationship. As long as a man could pay bride price which is the direct translation of dowry in the Kikuyu tradition, then he could afford and was awarded a wife.

My grandmother told me an interesting story about the beginning of her marriage. She was called by her mother one evening and informed that a man had proposed to marry her. Her mother explained to her that the man was a “good man” and capable of taking care of his family. The man, my grandfather, worked for a family of ‘white settles’ which then was a job with good merits.

Though her mother seemed to like and spoke well of this man, the thought of being someone’s wife let alone a stranger had not crossed her mind and it was as unwelcome as it was alien. This was quite normal back then.

But according to the custom, the man had met the qualifications and whether she wanted it or not, she was as well as married. My grandfather had already embarked on the long version of the dowry payment which went on in several stages and that guaranteed him a wife. He was entitled to full rights of ownership and legally so.

When the day, that my grandmother kept wishing not to come, finally came, she was literary dragged from her parents home and taken to her future husband. To walk her talk, she climbed on top of her marital house and jumped. Luckily, the distance from the roof to the ground was not enough to complete her suicide mission.

After that failed attempt, she kept running away from her husband and just as many times was forced back. Eventually, she realised that it did not pay to put up resistance, she gave in and settled in her new homestead. Gradually, and this was for her the point of her story, she fell in love with the man and lived happily until he died.

Out of this story, my liberal mind picked up the fact that she was forced to marry and that the dowry sealed her fate. Her right to choose her man of choice was ignored if not violated, the ‘good man’ and happy marriage not withstanding. For these and my romantic nature, I could not look positively at dowry.

This still happens in today’s world especially in poor communities. Some cultures even go to the extent of marring off underage girls to well off suitors, promoting pedophilia.

But most importantly, today’s independent woman has become as a result of a long struggle for equal rights between men and women. It would be ironic to support women’s rights and at the same time defend such outdated customs as dowry.

From a rights point of view, a man and a woman should willingly be partners without any outside pressure on their marriage. A woman as an equal partner can not be paid for and neither is there anything equivalent as a price for her.

Most modern men who favour dowry argue that it is an appreciation to the family of the intended bride. But appreciation for what if the upbringing of children is no different? Why should the family of a woman be compensated and not the man’s or both in a world where both sexes are equal?

In some cases, the economical strain left behind by dowry has caused stress and unhealthy relationships as the young families work to recover the lost fortunes (bride price) and at the same time provide the best for the family. Fortunes that could rather have helped to lay a firmer foundation for the families.

In the old age, dowry was paid by the family of the man intending to marry. He could also by himself produce dowry from his inheritance which he at the time received when he came of age. This way, it was always available unlike today where the groom almost always pays the price himself especially if he comes from a poor back ground.

There was this story of a guy who after finalizing the dowry process, him and his relatives went to meet his future in laws. After a big celebration the late night prompted some of the relatives including the future groom to sleep over since there were no buses operating at that hour.

The young man was to spend the night in his future brother in law but his sleep was interrupted by an emergency call of nature. He opted to do his thing behind the house since the call was the short one. In the process however, his movements had awakened the house master, his girl’s father who came out to inspect for security reasons. The old man was shocked to find his not yet son urinating in is compound. This, it turned out is an abomination.

He woke everyone up rudely and announced that no way no how, was this mannerless youth going to marry his little princess. The wedding was called off and all aliens sent home regardless of the hour. It is not known if the dowry was ever paid back.

Though this backdated custom is attractive and seemingly enjoyable, extended families presently seldom work as a unit and the bill is often for the man to foot. Besides, there has been reported violence from dowry negotiations gone bad resulting to damage, bodily harm and even death.

Interestingly, the girls’ fathers have been known to act aloof and unfriendly towards the wannabe husbands and their families until dowry has been paid.

I am yet to come across any substantive argument as to why the practice of paying or giving dowry should be encouraged today. Every man and woman should have a chance to a well off start when beginning a family. Every young man should seek a relation with a girl of his desire without the intruding thought of whether he can make to pay the price of her.

If any, dowry should instead be given to the young family, newlyweds, from both families as a blessing.  

P Bryan Njoroge.