What Happened!

Funny times is what. According to the news, there is this Botswana minister who can not tell a cow’s tail from its head. Whatever that means.

The Honourable, do they also use that title? Anyway whatever they use down there just before minister so or so woke up one day and switched on his TV bulk which he leaves set on CNN, stretched his feet, the fat protractions of his roly-poly legs, and shouted for one of his wives to quickly bring him some English tea. The fact of the matter concerning the tea is that it was imported from Kenya.

I have an image of a half naked, seventy or eighty year old pot bellied man. His overgrown head, the hair too scared of the shouty mouth is doing its best to retreat to the back, the beginning of his thick excuse of a neck. The said thick neck just a connecting area to the head, with a fattened torso, a testimony of an achievement of years of illicit traditional beer and illegal bush meat abuse.

There, on the bulky TV, he sees this slick, that meant to mean a very well groomed younger man - in fact let me tell you that the younger man was baptised kamwana before his tribe changed that to muthamaki just after he reached fifty - being sworn in as a president elect of the same republic of Kenya.

The same that is said to breed the first president ever in the world with a name that starts with an O who is also the first ever not pink president of those united states. The same Kenya, whose runners run faster than the South African school children on a riot during the days of the great terrible apartheid. That was when the races were pink, yellow and brown, before the universal acknowledgement of the terms white, coloured and black to avoid some kind of confusion.

Like I mentioned earlier, the minister had no way of knowing about the tea he drank being from the same Kenya just like I choose not to know if they grow tea in Botswana. He heard that the younger man called U something being sworn in had some beef with another older fellow, his age mate, with a name that had the same initial as the president of the states of unity.

It even helped the matter some more when he heard that the same younger man was a suspect in some court called the ICC in Europe. And his over seasoned brain told him that the younger man was being naughty. Young people this days!! He shouted, or must have.

So far we can forgive him like Jesus said, he knew not. But it was when he picked up the phone, shouted to be connected to the press, waited for them to settle and then shouted that the younger man (also please read the president elect of the Honourable Republic of Kenya) was not to set foot in Botswana if he did not cooperate with the European court that the gourd broke!

As he slummed down his phone, he had no way of knowing that he had just kissed his ministerial post good bye! How would he know with such an analog of a memory space with no hope of digitalisation to allow a hard disc transformation compatible to GB expansion.

By now it might seem like my respect for people that have been on this earth for too long is withering fast but not really, goodness no! Am actually related to some and I even have some friends in that category. It’s just that there is too much at stake left up to them!

Think about these. Right now as you are reading this just after I wrote it, a bunch of them known as cardinals are holding the fate of the whole world in their hands. Imagine that. How? They have to elect a pope.

The story is that the Catholics need a pope after the one that had the papacy declined to be a papa. He gave the same stated excuse; he has been on this earth for too long he could not be papa anymore.

It’s all good because all those cardinals have the ambition to be papa as a last wish. Out of the bunch comes one compromising papa every time the incumbent pope dies or resigns from the papaness. The latter is the case now as you are well aware of.

Now, it’s still hush-hush but it is said that who ever will be elected to be the next pope must not, get that, must not choose the name Peter II. In case that happens, then something bad will befall Rome. Ok I guess you might not have a problem with that but there is more, shocking more! I’ll come back to that.

The minister of Botswana could not anticipate what happened next. The phone rang and as he watched the same younger man on CNN, on his bulky TV, yes the same CNN that a mutual friend condemned to Kibera toilets for looking for bad news where there ain’t any. Can’t someone tell them that Kenya is and has always been I well behaved nation?

Anyway the rest was like ndrama, vindio! The younger man on CNN, in a very calm voice asked, do you know whom I am? Nop, the fattened minister of Botswana answered. And why on Africa would you say something like that? The president elect asked. Who is this, who are you? The very very surprised minister inquired.  

Hold on, I have someone on the phone for you, the cool younger man who had just been sworn in as a president replied.

Skelemani! Boomed the real voice of a real president of Botswana.

Eh…Mr…Sir…Excellency…eh…tried the really worried minister who might have been too long on this earth. Shut it Skelemani! How dare you shame me in this proportion on this matter! How dare you shame the land that fills your over expanded belly!? How dare you shame her people!!? Boomed the angry voice of his real president.

Skelemani!..here is your only option right now. Beg the younger president to forgive you. I have never believed you and indeed if it was not for my sister whom you conned into marrying you, you would still be a bony figure loitering about looking for a job as a cobbler!

And you will go back there if you fail to convince the younger president of the greater republic and the blessed people of the land of Kenya. I will hear from him right this moment if you indeed made a very good case for your behaviour. Say right now that you do not know or even understand! Try that Skelemani!

The Excellency had ordered and so the minister had to abide. The younger president elect listened to the quivering now very meek voice of the many-wifed-fattened-minister and softened his not very old heart. His digital generation mind had enough gigabytes to forgive a minister who did not seem to be very aware of things that mattered, to him or otherwise.

As icing on the cake, he also had to call the same press people and tell them that he was wrong, very wrong and the very president elect of Kenya is in fact welcome ICC or not, to the land of the Botswanese, anytime he felt like dropping by on his way to the other much more important places of the whole wide African continent.

That is What Happened, whether I know it or not.

I was also telling about the papacy, the amassed cardinals and the name Peter II. Peter here is the same one who was known as Simon before Jesus changed it to Peter. I have just learned this way or that, that this same Peter whom Jesus gave the key to heaven is also the first in the line of papacy. He was the first Holy Father on earth, the first pope ever.

The terrible twister here is - and these applies to us all, be an acatholist or not it would not matter - if any of this men who have been on this earth for a very long time choose that name, there would be consequences.

I have to believe that they are informed about the mentioned consequences or we are doomed. Word has it, and this is in the circles of the catholic faith, that the name Peter II is a key. If one of these near dementados by age forgot about the pandora in the key, then Rome would be destroyed and the apocalypse, the end of the world, would begin. Those are the stakes.

Not very long time ago when pope Benedictus XVI, the 111th papa formerly known as Joseph Aloisius son of Ratzinger announced his resignation a great lightening came from the heavens and struck St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican.

See what I mean?

P Bryan Njoroge.